Have you had chance to talk to your teen about the definition of consent for sexual activity? If so, what did you learn? If not, what is keeping you from asking?

In case you missed it, check out part one of this post to learn more: The #1 Parenting Mistake You Don't Know You're Making.

When I ask teen clients about what consenting to sex means, I typically get one of two answers.

1. Saying yes.
2. I don’t know.
   
   

Do either of these sound like the answer to your question from your teen?

The truth is, simply saying yes to sex is not enough. Making an assumption that you know what the other person wants is definitely not enough.

Keep reading to learn more about all of the aspects of giving true, informed consent to sexual activity.*

• Every state has a legal age of consent for sexual contact. In Colorado, a child younger than 15 years of age cannot give consent to sexual behavior. Also, unless both partners are over the age of 18, one person cannot be more than 3 years older than the other.
• Each person needs to be sober and “in their right mind.” Being high, drunk or on intoxicating prescription medications means a person cannot truly give consent. Also, both people must be awake and function at about the same level of intelligence.
• Both people must be equals. One person cannot be in a position of power over the other. This means that babysitters, teachers, and bosses cannot have sex with the people they watch, teach or supervise.
• The sexual partners cannot be related. Generally speaking, this includes relatives by blood, adoption and marriage.
  
• Both people understand and agree to the kind of sexual behavior to be done. Do not make assumptions. The only way to know if someone is consenting to have sex with you is by TALKING ABOUT IT.
• Sex should happen in the context of a relationship. This is a controversial point to many in a society where “one night stands” are common and accepted by many. Here’s the thing… how can you be absolutely certain that all of the above criteria are met if you do not know the person? You can’t. Period.

Now is the time to start talking with your teen about consent. If you don’t, who will?

*This blog post is meant to be purely informational. The writer is not able to provide legal advice or instruction in anyway. Questions about specific examples will not be answered in the comments. Please contact an attorney if you have questions or concerns.

Bethany Raab is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Denver, Colorado.
She is dedicated to helping teens and families be happy and healthy!

Start writing with your teen!

Directions and prompts are all included on this three page document, created just for YOU and your family!

Read about the difference between diaries and journals: Journaling: Different Than a Diary
Get 10 more prompts to write about with your teen: 10 Journal Prompts for Teens and Parents

Scroll down to download a PDF of this great list!

Bethany Raab is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Denver, Colorado.
She is dedicated to helping teens and families be happy and healthy!

Need a new way to communicate with your teen?

One of the neatest tools I have come across in my years as a teen therapist is a journal specifically made for adolescent girls and their mothers. It is a “back and forth” style book to help young women connect in a meaningful way with their mom.

The thing is... not every teen girl has an involved mother, and not every mother has a teen daughter. Plus, boys and fathers are left out of this activity entirely!

Below you will find ten journal prompts to share with your teenage son or daughter. These are a mix of fun/silly topics and more serious, thought-provoking prompts.

First, choose a book or notebook that you will share. (You can also type documents on a computer, but give the handwritten journal a try first!) Pick a pen to keep with your journal. Agree on a safe place to leave the book for the other to read. It is important that both of you agree that what is written is private and not to be shared without the other person's permission.

Okay! Now you're all set! Click below to access TEN prompts to get you writing!

Like this? Click here for a year-long set of journal prompts for teens and their parents!

Want to begin writing in your own journal? Go here to get started: Journaling: Different Than a Diary

Bethany Raab is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Denver, Colorado.
She is dedicated to helping teens and families be happy and healthy!

The word DIARY takes me back to my childhood. I wrote in a diary off and on for many years. Those books, pretty things adorned with cheap locks, are now gone.

Still, I remember them vividly. I wrote about the day-to-day events of my life. My childhood pet, school projects, friends and the names of my crushes all found a home in my diary. My diaries were dear to me. They were carefully protected from prying eyes.

Looking back, these books played a significant role in my daily and weekly routine as a child and as a teen. I wrote down events I did not want to forget.

These days, I still write, though not as often as I did as a younger person. The habit of writing down daily details and special events is difficult for me to prioritize in my schedule. It simply does not happen on a regular basis.

The kind of writing I do more frequently sounds similar, but it is not the same.

I journal.

How is journaling different than keeping a diary?

Simply put, a diary is a record of events. A journal is writing with the purpose of reflection and growth. Keeping a journal is more personal and requires more vulnerability than a diary.

A quick Google search will show you that journaling is not only popular, but also beneficial. It is useful as a way to help manage stress, anxiety, depression and grief. It is a tool often used in counseling to help people gain a better understanding of their struggles and their strengths.

Where do I start to help my child or teen gain the benefits of journaling?

Start with yourself. Get some paper, a notebook or a computer in front of you and start writing. Your experience with journaling can help inspire your teen to do the same.

In the meantime, here are three prompts to get you started:

1. What was the hardest part of your day? What was the best part of your day?
2. Joy can be found everywhere, even on the worst days. What brought you joy today? 
3. What are you thankful for today? List at least one person, one item and one experience.
   

Ready for more? Check out my other posts about journaling. One includes a year's worth of journaling prompts!

10 Journal Prompts for Teens and Parents
52 Journal Prompts to Help You Connect with Your Teen This Year!

Bethany Raab is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Denver, Colorado.
She is dedicated to helping teens and families be happy and healthy!

Bethany Raab is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Denver, Colorado.
She is dedicated to helping teens and families be happy and healthy!

Raab Counseling & Consulting Services is now accepting new clients with Denver County Medicaid Coverage through Access Behavioral Care (Colorado Access).

I am happy to consult with young adults and families of teens who are covered by Denver Medicaid. I will work only with clients whose needs are within my scope of expertise. Additional resources will be provided to those whose needs I cannot meet. Click here to see the types of clients with whom I typically work!

I am thrilled to begin this new journey in my therapy practice. Please spread the word. Do not hesitate to contact me with any questions!

Bethany Raab is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Denver, Colorado.
She is dedicated to helping teens and families be happy and healthy!

• Drive. Take your child to school. Pick them up from a friend’s house. Go for a drive to get ice cream. Talking in the car creates a different feel than other more direct face-to-face communication.

• Do dinner. Every day if possible. The benefits of dinner as a family are many. Even if all family members are not present, still have dinner with everyone who is at home. Make it your family ritual.
  

• Ask real questions. Avoid asking “How was your day?” This gives your teen opportunity to say “fine” and shut the conversation down. Ask open-ended questions that seek more than a grunt or yes/no answer. A few examples: “Which class was the most fun today and why?” “What was the hardest part of your day?”
  

• Talk about their interests.  Even if they are not interesting to you. As a teen counselor, I talk a lot about video games with my clients. I use these conversations as a way to build rapport. Sometimes, I can even incorporate them into therapeutic conversations! If your teen is an avid Instagrammer, ask to see their favorite or most recent photo. Inquire about who praises their work online. This can help them build self-esteem outside of the internet world. If your teen is in the chess club, have them teach you to play. Letting teens feel like an expert builds self-confidence.
  

At their core, teens want to be heard. Give them opportunities to talk to you and be interested in who they are becoming. Be consistent in your efforts. Also, understand that sometimes they may need some space before opening up.

I want to hear from you! Please share your ideas and stories about communicating with teens!

Bethany Raab is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Denver, Colorado.
She is dedicated to helping teens and families be happy and healthy!

My thoughts on the Duggar family and teens who sexually abuse

By now, I’m sure most of you have heard about the Duggar family and the oldest son, Josh’s inappropriate sexual behavior as a teen. I’ve been thinking a great deal about this situation and trying to reserve judgement the best I can as I am not privy to intimate details of the situation. However, I feel compelled to say a few words on the subject.

For those of you who are unaware, one of my specialty areas in my therapy practice is working with teenagers who have committed sexual offenses. I have been doing this work for more than five years and have received extensive training in this area. Working with these teens is one of my great passions and an area of therapy that I truly love. I am also passionate about working with people, teens and adults alike, who have been victims of sexual abuse. Often, these two areas of practice intersect.

During my nine year social work career and five years of helping teens address inappropriate sexual behaviors I’ve learned countless lessons. Here are four that stand out in light of the Duggar family situation.

1) Sexual abuse is wrong and it is illegal. Sounds obvious, but it is a point worth making. Using statements such as “kids will be kids,” “boys will be boys,” or “they were just playing doctor” is dangerous. These sentiments justify inappropriate behavior and undermine the impact sexual abuse has on its victims.

2) Keeping sexual abuse a secret is harmful to victims and the person perpetrating the abuse. Not only are both parties unable to receive help, but it perpetuates the idea that inappropriate sexual behavior is acceptable in our society.

3) Sexual acting out as a teen does not automatically make you a pedophile. A vast majority of teens I see in treatment who have sexually abused younger children are not sexually attracted to younger children. Sexual acting out by teens is driven by a number of factors including, but not limited to, experiencing sexual or physical abuse themselves, isolation, poor social skills and difficulty connecting with their peers.

4) Therapy works. The type of therapy I practice is called offense specific therapy. It has been specifically developed to help teens who have committed sexual offenses learn about why they committed their offense, help them learn healthy relationship skills and reduce their risk to sexually re-offend. Various studies show that between 87-93% of juveniles who complete this treatment successfully will NOT go on to sexually re-offend.

With all of this said, I really don’t know what to tell you about the Duggar family situation. I certainly do not have enough information about what happened to insinuate that I am an expert on the situation. However, I hold firmly to my belief that sexual abuse is wrong and harmful. I also believe that both the victim and the perpetrator in any instance of sexual abuse are deserving of treatment to help them cope with what occurred.

Thanks for reading! Please do not hesitate to contact me with comments or questions on this topic. I’d love to hear from you!

Bethany Raab is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Denver, Colorado.
She is dedicated to helping teens and families be happy and healthy!

• Your friend – Your relationship with your therapist is all about you. The therapist you are seeing will not share much about themselves to make sure you and your needs are the main focus.
  
• Magicians – Sadly, therapists cannot perform magic tricks. Counselors cannot make bad feelings go away or hard situations all better overnight. What they can do is listen and support you in the process of feeling better.
• Mind readers – Therapists spend a lot of time listening to and talking with clients. They learn to watch verbal and non-verbal cues to understand what is going on with the person in our office. However, counselors can only go with what they see and hear. It is important to counselors to not make assumptions about you.
  

Who therapists are

• Professionals – Your therapist has gone to school for quite a long time to be ready to be a counselor. They are licensed by the state you live in and are required to continue learning about the best ways to practice therapy. A good therapist takes their work seriously.

• Problem solvers – Counselors love to help brainstorm ways to solve problems. Like I said earlier, your therapist is not there to boss you around. Their job is to offer ideas and support to help you find the best way to solve problems you are experiencing.
• People who care, a lot. – People who go into counseling care a great deal about helping others. Caring means therapists are willing to have tough conversations about difficult topics. Caring means counselors will not judge you for your thoughts and feelings. And, most of all, it means your therapist will help you in every way they are able.
  

Check out the first two parts of the series!
The Guide to Therapy for Teens, Part One: Why is My Mom Making Me Go to Therapy?
The Guide to Therapy for Teens, Part Two: What to Expect in Counseling

Bethany Raab is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Denver, Colorado.
She is passionate about helping teens and families be happy and healthy!

What to expect in counseling

So your parents are taking you to counseling.

Click here to read the first post in this series: Why is My Mom Making Me Go To Therapy.

Here are a few ideas of what you can expect to talk about as you meet your therapist and get started.

• Paperwork. You will need to sign a bunch of forms. Therapy is basically a legal agreement between you, your parents and your counselor. They should talk to you about your privacy and your rights as a client during this time. Don’t hesitate to ask questions – some of this stuff can be confusing!
  

• Your history. Your therapist will ask questions about why you are coming in for counseling. They will want to learn more about who you are and what you’ve been going through. Some of this may happen with your parents in the room, but not all of it.

• Your privacy. Even though you are a minor, you have a high expectation of privacy in therapy. Your counselor cannot talk to just anyone about you. There are a few exceptions that you need to know about:

• •         If you are threatening to kill yourself.
  •         If you share plans to kill or seriously harm another person(s).
  •         If you reveal that you or another child are being abused.
  •         If you talk about a vulnerable adult or elderly person being abused.
  •         If you and your parents sign a release of information form.
  •         If a court orders your counselor to release information.

If one of these situations occurs during your time in counseling, your therapist will only release information that is necessary to help deal with the situation. They will not share everything they know about you.

When it comes to your parents, your therapist can and will share some things with your parents. It is not their place to tell all of the details about your sessions.  Those are between you and your counselor.

These are some of the major aspects of beginning therapy. Please ask questions if you do not understand a question, a form or what is going on.

Here the first post in this series: Why is My Mom Making Me Go To Therapy.
Read the third post: What's the Deal with Your Therapist?

Click here to learn about what you can expect if you were to work with Bethany.

Bethany Raab is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Denver, Colorado.
She is passionate about helping teens and families be happy and healthy!