Have you had chance to talk to your teen about the definition of consent for sexual activity? If so, what did you learn? If not, what is keeping you from asking?

In case you missed it, check out part one of this post to learn more: The #1 Parenting Mistake You Don't Know You're Making.

When I ask teen clients about what consenting to sex means, I typically get one of two answers.

1. Saying yes.
2. I don’t know.
   
   

Do either of these sound like the answer to your question from your teen?

The truth is, simply saying yes to sex is not enough. Making an assumption that you know what the other person wants is definitely not enough.

Keep reading to learn more about all of the aspects of giving true, informed consent to sexual activity.*

• Every state has a legal age of consent for sexual contact. In Colorado, a child younger than 15 years of age cannot give consent to sexual behavior. Also, unless both partners are over the age of 18, one person cannot be more than 3 years older than the other.
• Each person needs to be sober and “in their right mind.” Being high, drunk or on intoxicating prescription medications means a person cannot truly give consent. Also, both people must be awake and function at about the same level of intelligence.
• Both people must be equals. One person cannot be in a position of power over the other. This means that babysitters, teachers, and bosses cannot have sex with the people they watch, teach or supervise.
• The sexual partners cannot be related. Generally speaking, this includes relatives by blood, adoption and marriage.
  
• Both people understand and agree to the kind of sexual behavior to be done. Do not make assumptions. The only way to know if someone is consenting to have sex with you is by TALKING ABOUT IT.
• Sex should happen in the context of a relationship. This is a controversial point to many in a society where “one night stands” are common and accepted by many. Here’s the thing… how can you be absolutely certain that all of the above criteria are met if you do not know the person? You can’t. Period.

Now is the time to start talking with your teen about consent. If you don’t, who will?

*This blog post is meant to be purely informational. The writer is not able to provide legal advice or instruction in anyway. Questions about specific examples will not be answered in the comments. Please contact an attorney if you have questions or concerns.

Bethany Raab is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Denver, Colorado.
She is dedicated to helping teens and families be happy and healthy!

If you are like many parents, you are starkly aware of your imperfections when it comes to raising your children. You may have looked at this article with a combination of curiosity and dread.

Rest easy. I am not here to tell you what you’re doing wrong – you don’t need that from me.

What I do want to talk about is an issue many parents avoid addressing with their children.

As kids grow, they become increasingly aware of their own bodies. They also pay more attention to others’ bodies and the presence of sexual images. These are cues that it is time for the “sex talk.” Some parents choose to let the school tackle sex ed. Other parents venture into this topic themselves.

The longer I work with teens, it becomes more and more obvious that one specific issue is consistently left out of their sexual education, whether at home, school or both.

The issue of consent.

What do you think giving consent for sex entails?

What do you think your teen knows about giving consent for sex?

Ask them, and then come back to learn more: Saying yes to sex is not enough.

Bethany Raab is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Denver, Colorado.
She is dedicated to helping teens and families be happy and healthy!

• Pay attention. If you see something, say something. This can be tricky when you want your teen to know you are a safe person to talk to. Calm language works best when you believe you have witnessed abuse or can see injuries from abuse.
  
  

• Set healthy boundaries around the relationship. Demanding that your teen end the abusive relationship may not have the impact you expect. In fact, it may have the opposite effect and drive the relationship u. Instead, supervise your teen and their boyfriend or girlfriend when they are together in your home. Discourage activities that would allow the pair to be unsupervised in other environments. Encourage activities that include family members. Talk about healthy boundaries and be there to support your teen as they make a decision for them self.
  

As an extra, here is an excellent workbook from the Love is Not Abuse Coalition. It will help you talk about dating violence with your teens. It can also be used in conversations with younger children who are not yet dating.

Bethany Raab is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Denver, Colorado.
She is passionate about helping teens and families be happy and healthy!