My thoughts on the Duggar family and teens who sexually abuse

By now, I’m sure most of you have heard about the Duggar family and the oldest son, Josh’s inappropriate sexual behavior as a teen. I’ve been thinking a great deal about this situation and trying to reserve judgement the best I can as I am not privy to intimate details of the situation. However, I feel compelled to say a few words on the subject.

For those of you who are unaware, one of my specialty areas in my therapy practice is working with teenagers who have committed sexual offenses. I have been doing this work for more than five years and have received extensive training in this area. Working with these teens is one of my great passions and an area of therapy that I truly love. I am also passionate about working with people, teens and adults alike, who have been victims of sexual abuse. Often, these two areas of practice intersect.

During my nine year social work career and five years of helping teens address inappropriate sexual behaviors I’ve learned countless lessons. Here are four that stand out in light of the Duggar family situation.

1) Sexual abuse is wrong and it is illegal. Sounds obvious, but it is a point worth making. Using statements such as “kids will be kids,” “boys will be boys,” or “they were just playing doctor” is dangerous. These sentiments justify inappropriate behavior and undermine the impact sexual abuse has on its victims.

2) Keeping sexual abuse a secret is harmful to victims and the person perpetrating the abuse. Not only are both parties unable to receive help, but it perpetuates the idea that inappropriate sexual behavior is acceptable in our society.

3) Sexual acting out as a teen does not automatically make you a pedophile. A vast majority of teens I see in treatment who have sexually abused younger children are not sexually attracted to younger children. Sexual acting out by teens is driven by a number of factors including, but not limited to, experiencing sexual or physical abuse themselves, isolation, poor social skills and difficulty connecting with their peers.

4) Therapy works. The type of therapy I practice is called offense specific therapy. It has been specifically developed to help teens who have committed sexual offenses learn about why they committed their offense, help them learn healthy relationship skills and reduce their risk to sexually re-offend. Various studies show that between 87-93% of juveniles who complete this treatment successfully will NOT go on to sexually re-offend.

With all of this said, I really don’t know what to tell you about the Duggar family situation. I certainly do not have enough information about what happened to insinuate that I am an expert on the situation. However, I hold firmly to my belief that sexual abuse is wrong and harmful. I also believe that both the victim and the perpetrator in any instance of sexual abuse are deserving of treatment to help them cope with what occurred.

Thanks for reading! Please do not hesitate to contact me with comments or questions on this topic. I’d love to hear from you!

Bethany Raab is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Denver, Colorado.
She is dedicated to helping teens and families be happy and healthy!

• Your friend – Your relationship with your therapist is all about you. The therapist you are seeing will not share much about themselves to make sure you and your needs are the main focus.
  
• Magicians – Sadly, therapists cannot perform magic tricks. Counselors cannot make bad feelings go away or hard situations all better overnight. What they can do is listen and support you in the process of feeling better.
• Mind readers – Therapists spend a lot of time listening to and talking with clients. They learn to watch verbal and non-verbal cues to understand what is going on with the person in our office. However, counselors can only go with what they see and hear. It is important to counselors to not make assumptions about you.
  

Who therapists are

• Professionals – Your therapist has gone to school for quite a long time to be ready to be a counselor. They are licensed by the state you live in and are required to continue learning about the best ways to practice therapy. A good therapist takes their work seriously.

• Problem solvers – Counselors love to help brainstorm ways to solve problems. Like I said earlier, your therapist is not there to boss you around. Their job is to offer ideas and support to help you find the best way to solve problems you are experiencing.
• People who care, a lot. – People who go into counseling care a great deal about helping others. Caring means therapists are willing to have tough conversations about difficult topics. Caring means counselors will not judge you for your thoughts and feelings. And, most of all, it means your therapist will help you in every way they are able.
  

Check out the first two parts of the series!
The Guide to Therapy for Teens, Part One: Why is My Mom Making Me Go to Therapy?
The Guide to Therapy for Teens, Part Two: What to Expect in Counseling

Bethany Raab is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Denver, Colorado.
She is passionate about helping teens and families be happy and healthy!

What to expect in counseling

So your parents are taking you to counseling.

Click here to read the first post in this series: Why is My Mom Making Me Go To Therapy.

Here are a few ideas of what you can expect to talk about as you meet your therapist and get started.

• Paperwork. You will need to sign a bunch of forms. Therapy is basically a legal agreement between you, your parents and your counselor. They should talk to you about your privacy and your rights as a client during this time. Don’t hesitate to ask questions – some of this stuff can be confusing!
  

• Your history. Your therapist will ask questions about why you are coming in for counseling. They will want to learn more about who you are and what you’ve been going through. Some of this may happen with your parents in the room, but not all of it.

• Your privacy. Even though you are a minor, you have a high expectation of privacy in therapy. Your counselor cannot talk to just anyone about you. There are a few exceptions that you need to know about:

• •         If you are threatening to kill yourself.
  •         If you share plans to kill or seriously harm another person(s).
  •         If you reveal that you or another child are being abused.
  •         If you talk about a vulnerable adult or elderly person being abused.
  •         If you and your parents sign a release of information form.
  •         If a court orders your counselor to release information.

If one of these situations occurs during your time in counseling, your therapist will only release information that is necessary to help deal with the situation. They will not share everything they know about you.

When it comes to your parents, your therapist can and will share some things with your parents. It is not their place to tell all of the details about your sessions.  Those are between you and your counselor.

These are some of the major aspects of beginning therapy. Please ask questions if you do not understand a question, a form or what is going on.

Here the first post in this series: Why is My Mom Making Me Go To Therapy.
Read the third post: What's the Deal with Your Therapist?

Click here to learn about what you can expect if you were to work with Bethany.

Bethany Raab is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Denver, Colorado.
She is passionate about helping teens and families be happy and healthy!

Why is my Mom is Making Me Go to Therapy?

If you are reading his post, you are probably one of two types of people:

1. A parent who thinks your child could benefit from therapy OR
   
2. A teen who is being taken to counseling

My next few posts are all about helping parents and teens understand each other’s point of view about going to counseling. Today, I answer two very common questions from teens about therapy.

The answer is a little tricky.

Legally, it varies from state to state. In Colorado, teens who are 15 years and older MUST consent to their own therapy. Parents have to give their permission for teens who are under the age of 15 to be seen by a counselor. The age limit might be different in your state, but written permission for therapy is required everywhere.

So, if you are under 15, and live in Colorado, your parents can “make” you go to therapy. They can also strongly encourage older teens to go or make it a requirement in their home.

What parents cannot do, is force you to talk or make you be honest with your therapist. This is something you have to decide for yourself, regardless of your age.

Sometimes it can help to speak with someone who is objective, meaning they aren't part of your family, your school or your community.

Some of the main reasons I see teens for counseling are when they experience:

• Hard times with friends or peers
• Not liking themselves
• Worries about the future
• Being bullied
• Wanting to die
• Abuse, violence or being mistreated
• Stress
• Sadness
• Worries, nervousness or fears
• Grief after a loss of a family member, friend or pet
• Getting in trouble at school, at home or in the community
• Problems with anger or conflict
• Difficulties with school performance

This is just a short list of the things you can talk about in therapy sessions. Nothing is off limits. If you want to talk about it, go for it! Therapists are great listeners PLUS they'll offer suggestions and work with you to meet your goals.

Check back next week for a post about what you can expect when you go to therapy sessions. I'll also be posting soon about what's up with your therapist and why you just might like therapy!

Update: Check out the second and third parts of the series!
The Guide to Therapy for Teens, Part Two: What to Expect in Counseling
The Guide to Therapy for Teens, Part Three: What's the Deal with Your Therapist?

Bethany Raab is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Denver, Colorado.
She is passionate about helping teens and families be happy and healthy!

One in four American students will be affected by youth violence this year.
(Students Against Violence Everywhere, SAVE)

Youth violence includes bullying, school violence, criminal acts, gang violence, teen dating violence and more.


These issues can have an immense impact on victims. Teens who have been hurt may respond in a variety of ways including (but not limited to) anger outbursts, depression, anxiety or self-harming behaviors.

Now for some good news! The National Criminal Justice Reference Service reports that teen violence has decreased significantly in the last 20 years. This is the result of a lot of hard work by teens, parents, schools, law enforcement and various government and private agencies. While this is fantastic, it does not mean the problem of youth violence has been solved.

There is still more work to be done.

Wondering how you can help?

Here are 5 ways you can help support the anti-youth violence message at home:

• Act it out – Help your child practice assertive ways to deal with bullies and peer pressure by acting out a difficult situation together.
  

• Draw it out – Have your child create a drawing related to violence understanding and prevention. A few ideas: Show a time that you felt unsafe. Draw a picture of someone who has been hurt or is scared. Draw a picture of you handling anger in a healthy way.

• Talk it out – Talk about the realities of youth violence with your children on an ongoing basis.

• Walk it out – Go on a walk with your child and discuss how exercise and other coping skills can help them calm down when they are angry or upset.

• Write it out – Ask your child write a letter to someone who has hurt them OR to someone they hurt. This can help them develop empathy for others and a better understanding of their own actions and feelings.

Now is a great time to give these a try in honor of National Youth Violence Prevention Week (March 23-27, 2015). Even if you miss the week celebration, there is never a bad time to talk to your kids about youth violence.

Bethany Raab is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Denver, Colorado.
She is passionate about helping teens and families be happy and healthy!

• Pay attention. If you see something, say something. This can be tricky when you want your teen to know you are a safe person to talk to. Calm language works best when you believe you have witnessed abuse or can see injuries from abuse.
  
  

• Set healthy boundaries around the relationship. Demanding that your teen end the abusive relationship may not have the impact you expect. In fact, it may have the opposite effect and drive the relationship u. Instead, supervise your teen and their boyfriend or girlfriend when they are together in your home. Discourage activities that would allow the pair to be unsupervised in other environments. Encourage activities that include family members. Talk about healthy boundaries and be there to support your teen as they make a decision for them self.
  

As an extra, here is an excellent workbook from the Love is Not Abuse Coalition. It will help you talk about dating violence with your teens. It can also be used in conversations with younger children who are not yet dating.

Bethany Raab is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Denver, Colorado.
She is passionate about helping teens and families be happy and healthy!

Do you know if your teen is being abused? What should you be looking for?

• You may notice your daughter seems anxious or worried more than usual.

• Your son may have developed unhealthy behaviors like smoking, drinking, or exercising too much.

• Your daughter may be withdrawing from friends or family. She may also be avoiding activities she used to love.
  

• You may notice your son's girlfriend or boyfriend checks in with him frequently and wants to know where he is all of the time. This is likely disruptive of his other activities.

• You might hear your daughter make excuses for her boyfriend. She may justify his behavior and defend him.

The truth is....

• 1 in every 10 teens has experienced dating violence. Nearly as many have had unwanted sexual contact at some point in their teen years. (CDC)

• Teen dating violence happens to both boys and girls and in straight and gay relationships. It can include physical, sexual, emotional or verbal abuse.

Sound familiar? Worried about what to do next?

Read my post on how you can respond: Your Teen is Being Hurt: What You Can Do to Help

Bethany Raab is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Denver, Colorado.
She is passionate about helping teens and families be happy and healthy!

Sometimes, being true to yourself means doing the opposite of what others are doing. This can be really hard to do when classmates and friends are pushing your teen to do something. The teen years are full of finding oneself, while also wanting to fit in with peers. What a complicated time!

Here are some ways parents (and other adults) can help teens express their individuality!

Allow them to make choices.
Even though elementary, middle and high school students are not ready to make many big choices on their own, it is good for them to have some opportunity to choose. Clothes, leisure activities and how they spend their money are some great places to start.

Teach your teen that all actions have consequences.
Some choices have consequences your teen will not foresee. Other times, they will act despite knowing the consequences. Use these times as teaching moments to help your teen improve their decision making skills.

Do not embarrass them on purpose.
Publicly criticizing your teen’s decisions is unlikely to be helpful in the long run. If your teen has made a choice that is not acceptable, do your best to address this away from the public eye. Not only will this allow for real conversation about the issue, it will also help your teen feel as though you are on their side, even if you do not always agree.

Support them.                                               
Sometimes teens will make decisions that make little or no sense to the adults in their life. It is not your job to steer your child away from unpleasant experiences, but to be their cheerleader and help them learn. If your child decides to wear all black for months on end, find out why it appeals to him or her rather than forbidding the choice. If your awkward or uncoordinated teen is certain he wants to try out for the basketball team, encourage him to give his best effort and help him prepare. Not only will your teen feel supported in their decisions, they may just surprise you and themselves in the process!

That’s enough from me for now. See how you can help your teen express their individual greatness today! And get a good “opposite day” joke in if you can! :)

Bethany Raab is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Denver, Colorado.
She is passionate about helping teens and families be happy and healthy!

I often hear this statement from teen clients: “video games are my hobby.” I get it. Video games are fun and popular with teens. However, they aren’t exactly a hobby... The point of having a hobby is for a person to be engaged in an activity they love that can also help them learn new skills and to create healthy relationships with peers and authority figures.

Livestrong says it best, “Hobbies provide many mental and physical health benefits, including bolstered optimism, increased creativity and a better ability to deal with stress. Sharing hobbies with others also keeps teens socially engaged with people who have similar interests. The type of hobby a teen is interested in is limited only by the imagination of the person.”

Don’t have ideas of what to try? Check out this list. Or this one.

For parents: Having a hard time getting your teen interested in developing a hobby?

• Try sitting down with a list of hobby ideas (like the ones referenced above) and ask your child to pick the three activities they are most interested in trying. Once they have narrowed down the choices, see what is available in your area and get them signed up for a class or excursion.

• If your child is shy or worried about trying something new, encourage them to invite a friend or even take a sibling along. Parents can always join in to help their teen feel more comfortable.

• Cost can be an issue with some hobbies. Talk with your teen about your ability to pay for their hobby. Be honest and ask them to help! You’d be amazed what teens are willing to do in order to fund something they love. Part-time jobs, mowing lawns, scooping snow and extra chores are all good ideas to consider.

Remember, this can be a process! Encourage your child to try something a few times before deciding they “hate it.” If one activity is not a good fit, try another! Over time, your child will find something they like, or maybe even love!

PS: I chose the picture of a teen piano player because this was one of my hobbies as a teen!

Bethany Raab is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Denver, Colorado.
She is passionate about helping teens and families be happy and healthy!

January 11, 2015 is National Human Trafficking Awareness Day in the United States. To be honest, I didn’t think much about the issue of human trafficking until the last couple of years. Sure, I knew it existed. I assumed that it was a problem in foreign countries, not here in the United States.

Boy, was I wrong. Human trafficking is a $5-7 billion industry in the U.S. alone. It impacts 21 million victims worldwide, 1.5 million of which are Americans. (UNICEF)

Just so we’re all on the same page, here is the formal definition of Human Trafficking from the Trafficking Victims Protection Act of 2000:

• a) sex trafficking in which a commercial sex act is induced by force, fraud, or coercion, or in which the person induced to perform such an act has not attained 18 years of age; or
• b) the recruitment, harboring, transportation, provision, or obtaining of a person for labor or services, through the use of force, fraud, or coercion for the purpose of subjection to involuntary servitude, peonage, debt bondage, or slavery.

Basically, “Human trafficking is a form of modern-day slavery.” (Trafficking Resource Center)

Scary, huh?

It is important for parents and community members to be aware of risk factors that make teenagers vulnerable to traffickers. Here are a few signs that your teen could be at risk:

Teens living on the streets are prime targets for human traffickers. They tend to have a limited support system and they often hang out in high risk areas such as bus or train stations, parks and shelters.

Family discord. Teens from chaotic households often seek support in inappropriate places.

Older friends or strangers who give gifts or make extraordinary promises. Does your teen have  older friends that you don’t know? Have they received unexpected or extravagant gifts from someone? This deserves your attention.

Youth with a history of abuse or neglect may be more vulnerable to traffickers.

So what can you do?

Talk to your children. Connect with them. Spend time with them. Know who their friends are and where they hang out. Be engaged with your children!

Seek Help. If your teen has been a victim of some sort of trauma, consider seeking help for them in the form of counseling or a support group. Their pediatrician is a great place to start in order to get connected with the right services.

Reduce Conflict. If your family is riddled with conflict, take steps to work on the problem. Identify causes and implement solutions. Counseling can be helpful with this process.

Contact the National Human Trafficking Resource Center. Call 1-888-373-7888 or text INFO or HELP to BeFree (233733). They are available to help victims, families and community members at any time.

Let's work together to protect our communities and end human trafficking!

Bethany Raab is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Denver, Colorado.
She is passionate about helping teens and families be happy and healthy!